overview

The other day, I went started reading posts from my first blog, the one that I stopped using about 3 years ago. (curious? click here if you want to read my thoughts).

The cool thing about reading one post after another is that you really get a holistic sense of what's been written.  You notice recurring themes and ideas. 

And the really cool thing is that I'm reading about the thoughts and emotions that were in the moment long after they happened, so I know how everything worked out.

Here are a few of my observations: 

 

Change is something I've been dealing with for quite some time.  Life has been ever-changing and tough for years. I think I've experiencing the exact same struggles for a really long time ... or at least repeats of similar thought/emotional patterns:

• Uncertainty.  The teaching job I had was going to disappear, and I didn't know what was going to come next.  Then I ended up working at my church two days a week, substitute teaching the rest of the time... and I went back to school for a Master's degree.  I then left the church job and picked up various longer-term substitute positions, as well as summer school and night school.  And in between?  I usually didn't know what would come next.
• A love-hate relationship with teaching.  I taught private AND public school in a variety of socioeconomic settings where I faced a number of different obstacles that often had me extremely frustrated and/or in tears.
• Money.  I became the self-appointed queen of the short-term job, bouncing from school to school, from one position to the next, unsure of whether or not I'd have enough to pay for school.  Oh, and that's around the time that I decided to move out of my parents' basement, so the ability to pay rent (not to mention, eat) was not guaranteed.
  
• What comes next?  Where would I be after I finished my studies? What would I be doing? Where would I be living?

All of these themes were reflected in my blog.  Over and over again. It all felt somewhat crazy and insane and busy and a whole bunch of other things. It was exhausting, stressful and hard.  

And yet I made it through. And in the midst of all the questioning posts, I had a number of humourous ones.  So I was looking for the sunny side of life, even then.

I had such an image of the Father's faithfulness in my first blog, and I was able to just trust that everything was going to work out.

And, reflecting on this from the other side, having been through all of that, I know that it did.  I never had to borrow to pay rent, I didn't starve, and my school payments were always timely. I graduated just over a year ago, and now I'm living and working at a school in China. And for the most part, I'm enjoying it.

 

Over the past year, I know I've lost some of that faith I had, so reading through this was a good reminder of His faithfulness.  And being reminded of how some of those challenges I faced in those years were worked out has bolstered my faith now.  

Cooooooooool.

And on the topic of faith, I came across the following quote that I posted in my first blog, and it definitely deserves to be re-posted:

"Now we shall have a right definition of faith if we say that it is a steady and certain knowledge of the divine benevolence towards us [...] which is founded upon the truth of the gracious promise of God in Christ, and is both revealed to our minds and sealed in our hearts [...] by the Holy Spirit [...] When we stress that Faith ought to be certain and secure, we do not have in mind a certainty without doubt, or a security without any anxiety. Rather, we affirm that believers have a perpetual struggle with their own lack of faith, and are far from possessing a peaceful conscience, never interrupted by any disturbance. On the other hand, we want to deny that they may fall out of, or depart from, their confidence [...] in the divine mercy, no matter how much they may be troubled."

I really, really like this. I spent some time a few nights ago journaling in response to this, and these are the thoughts that came to mind:

• Faith is not the absence of doubt. In doing research for one of my papers in seminary, I learned that doubt can actually indicate that there's something missing in one's faith.  The question is: will I take advantage of that indicator and actually work to improve my faith in that area?
• Just because I doubt doesn't mean that I've been abandoned by the Father. If that were the case, I'd be doomed, and my eternal state would be forever in limbo, kind of like a turn signal light on a car.  (saved ... not saved ... saved ... not saved ...).

I love that He understands our human nature.  And if there's one thing that's certain and unchanging in this uncertain and constantly evolving world ... it's Him and His love.

Actually ... that's two things.