ugly

There are some parts of me that are downright ugly.

And I'm not talking physical characteristics here. I'm talking bad habits, dirty little - or big - secrets, thought patterns, and what have you. I don't like 'em so I fight tough battles to try to change these things.

Some of these battles I have been fighting for years.

And I'm getting really tired. Like ... I want to sleep forever kind of tired.  

Sometimes it's just so much easier to give in. The battle is exhausting.  And so often, I just ... cave. Again.  And then I find myself back at square one. Again. And I start the fight. Again. From two or three steps back from where I was before.  Again.

Is there any progress?  It certainly doesn't feel that way sometimes.

Here's the thought that hit me tonight, though: He knows.  God knows.  He knew the choices I made in the past. Even before I made them.  He knows I'm going to fall back into an old way of thinking/doing even before I think/do it.  And he knows how many more times I will do this before I actually stop for good.

And that may never happen.  These may be things I fight until the day I die.

*shivers*  PLEASE don't let it be so!

And yet He still accepts me.  And yet He still accepts me. That needs to be tattooed backwards on my forehead so that I can see it every time I look in the mirror.  It needs to be engraved on my brain so that I get it.  Because so often I don't.

Or else I use it as a cop-out.  "Let me do it this way this time ... next time I'll do it differently. I'll still be forgiven" In the heat of the moment, I go for what's easy, what's comfortable.  And what's easy and comfortable is usually the wrong thing.  

Question: when will enough be enough? 

Have I ever really gotten to the point where I am seriously contrite, where my urge to please Him outweighs my urge to cave, to give in to what I want?  

My first instinct is to say, "No." Because I'm still here. I'm still struggling. 

But maybe ... it's a dependance issue.  Maybe it's a way that He is trying to tell me that, no, I cannot do it alone.  He wants to remind me that He needs to have a bigger role in my life.

It's a tough lesson to learn, that's for sure.