confessions of a language faker

Since this post is all about confessions, I feel the need to start off by saying that the title and subsequent subject matter were both influenced by Jerry Jones, an American expat living in China and reflecting on his experiences.  (check out his blog here. You won't be sorry you did; he's an amazing writer, makes some thought-provoking points AND he's hilarious!)  

**Jerry, if you're reading this, I made the plug you asked me to.  Now, please pay me in unmarked RMB bills. You can just slip them under the door to my apartment. Xie xie!

Now, there's a French expression that is definitely a propos here: "Retournons à nos moutons." It literally means, "Let's get back to our sheep," but is used to indicate that we should get back to the topic at hand.

So, our sheep ... err ... topic is "confessions of a language faker."

Confession number 1:  my Chinese stinks, and I understand far less than I let on.

About 90 percent of the time, someone is babbling away in Chinese and they think I get it because I understood one statement they said at the beginning of the conversation. And yet I will nod, smile and pretend that everything is good, that I get their meaning. 

BUZZ!! Wrong!!  I deceive them simply because I don't want them to spend the next 10 to 20 minutes trying to explain something to me that I won't get no matter what.  And chances are good they will get louder and louder and more insistent during that time. And a lot more in my face, too. 

And chances are also good that it's some unimportant statement such as "Your Chinese is very good" or "This bag is good quality" (both of which are probably lies, by the way ...)

So I nod, smile and move on as quickly as possible.

Confession number 2: I can make some pretty good guesses as to what is being said, even though my Chinese stinks. 

 

Oral communication, I've discovered is an interesting thing.  Most of it is actually not oral.  

I know what you're thinking... "WHAA?? If it's not oral communication... my brain hurts!!"  

Believe me, so does mine as I try to figure out how to explain this.  Oral communication is accompanied by a large amount of body language. And tone.  And grunts. Sighs.  Breathing. And other whacky sound effects. Oh, and context.  That's important, too...

Only a small portion of oral communication is actually ... words.  

This has actually helped me a lot in communicating with Chinese people.  I look at what they do, listen for words I understand, and, in the end, hope I'm going to end up with what I want, and not agreeing to give away my liver or something insane like that.

It's a skill I picked up rather quickly.

After I'd been in China for less than a month, I inadvertently gotten on a bus going in the wrong direction and ended up getting kicked off - through no fault of my own, mind you - in the middle of no where.  For some reason, my cell wasn't working and I (obviously) didn't have enough language ability to figure out what bus to take back, so I hopped in a cab and hoped for the best.

After I'd told the driver where I wanted to go (or maybe I showed him a card? I don't remember...), he spent a good 10 minutes on his radio.  And when I heard him say street names, as well as the name of my apartment complex, I figured he had no idea where he was going or how he was going to get there.

And I had no Chinese ability whatsoever.

Now, I can say that my Chinese is .... really not too much better.

Oh, sure. I'm better off than a foreigner who's just passing through. That is, unless said foreigner was placed in Mandarin classes against their will when they were children, but they don't count.  Still, my Chinese leaves much to be desired.

So I rely on key words. Context. Gestures. And I can usually sometimes figure out what they are telling me.

Confession number 3: I have a few well-rehearsed sentences and sentence structures that I pull out for special occasions to impress a Chinese person.

Only what usually happens is that they assume I know more than I let on (see confession #1), and they start babbling away.  And the illusion is shattered.  Why do I even bother?

Oh, right. I can use those phrases with foreigners fresh off the plane.  Doesn't take much to impress them.