From the married perspective

For those of you just tuning in, let me provide you with a re-cap of what’s been going on here in Melanieland. If you’re up to speed on what’s going on, feel free to skip this paragraph. I’ve been doing a series on singleness. First came a post on marriage and singleness being equally important/significant states. Then, came a post I wrote on what I perceive to be the drawbacks of being single. Then came not one, but two posts on the advantages of being single: a collaboration of advantages some single friends of mine provided; and then a post from a wise, reflective and married friend of mine on the advantages of being single. And for those of you wondering about the different-coloured fonts in this paragraph, just click on the off-coloured text to get to the related post.

See how easy that was?

Alright, so what’s going on with this post? Glad you asked. I asked some married friends of mine to reflect on the items mentioned in advantages/drawbacks posts, to see what they’d say about what us single people had to say about singleness and marriage (say that five times fast!). The responses in this post came from 2 girls and a guy, all of them married for different lengths of time. I’ve been pumped and super excited about this post for a while, but I wanted to make sure I gave enough time to married friends of mine to provide me with feedback, which is why I’ve been holding back on posting. And I’m so glad I did, simply because their responses went above and beyond what I expected. It really was an eye-opener for me.

However, before I present what others have written on this topic, an important dislcaimer from one of my contributors:

But before getting into this, I'd like to include a disclaimer from one of my contributors...


"Every relationship, whether dating or marriage, is going to be a completely different scenario for every individual and paired couple. There's no end of personal idiosyncrasies between two people that can clash or compliment, and every person is going to have personal conflicts in marriage."

My goal here is not to paint a picture of what marriage is like. That's virtually impossible, because every relationship is different, not to mention I'm completely clueless about the whole thing.  My goal here is to show that, while marriage is pretty awesome (or so I'm told), it's not always a never-ending party, a bowl of cherries, a bed of roses, or whatever other metaphor you want to put in there. 

And now it's time for me to, once again, bow out and let others speak about something about which I have no first-hand knowledge. 

On Loneliness

There is loneliness in marriage. I know, “but you’re married!” When you put two people together you inevitably get misunderstood and if this happens enough, there is a temptation to feel sorry for yourself and well, all alone. Now couple this with a desire to speak kindly about your spouse in front of others and you end up feeling even more alone because you have no one to talk to about your frustrations. It can be a very lonely place being married.

There’s an opposite to loneliness as well. You lose an enormous amount of personal freedom in a marriage. Dating doesn't prepare you for it (unless I suppose you're living together while dating). This will vary from relationship to relationship but in many cases individuals have different concepts of free time, personal space, social circles and how to act when there's nobody around. I've seen hermits married to social butterflies and they make it work, but they need to learn how to adapt to each other and help give each other what they need or at least give them room to pursue it. No matter what end of the spectrum you fall into, there's a breaking down and sacrifice of all things personal, not just talking about the deep dark secrets territory but in terms of whether or not you get to hang up your hat at the end of the day or keep plodding on. At times you want some alone time, they might be lonely and want to engage you. You might want to be involved in their personal interests but they might want to keep it something for themselves. Children at different stages again are going to further example this as young children will want your attention at all times and older children only want it when they want something from you

On Romance

Romance in the movies is over rated. During the courting days, my spouse would give me love notes, write me poems, hide gifts for me to find, and call me on the phone to just talk. Those days were soon over after the honeymoon. Being married does not mean I have access to romance 24/7. Life settles into a routine and before you know it, without even realizing it, you are on auto pilot doing the same thing day in and day out without having enough motivation to do anything about it. You can sit right next to your spouse and never say any more than two words and yet Facebook, blog, and message more conversations and words than you have all day with others instead of your spouse.

On the “S-word”

Sex isn’t so great. Okay, it is great, but it isn’t always great. There are times we are too tired, too stressed, or feel ugly. There are times when I want it and my spouse does not. The feeling after you realize they are not as interested as you are at that moment is very close to rejection. Though they may not mean to make you feel that way, it still hurts, and sometimes deeply.

Sex is overhyped by the media. Don't get me wrong, it's overhyped in the same way a fast food commercial will show you the tastiest juiciest burger that's heaped with garnishes and all propped up with toothpicks and chemical sprays to make it look like it fell from a drive-thru window in heaven. Sex is portrayed with all the benefits and hot and spicy crave factor, but none of the reality of a steady relationship. How many magazines do you pass in the checkout aisles in a store that are all about tips on how to 'spice up' your love life. It's partly because sex is a ridiculously normal thing that's been super dramaticized and if it isn't fifty shades of whatever then there's something wrong with your sex life. Women in real life aren't all vixens and men in real life aren't constantly looking for sex. If anything the image promoted makes things worse by encouraging people to only be looking for sex as something hot and exciting, which is going to lead to more interest in torrid affairs and the taboo while making sex in a normal relationship seem like something less. Married people aren't having constant sex. It's going to depend on the people involved and their own personal state of being.

On Kids

Nothing prepares you for kids. No amount of literature or observation can really give a good account, because either you're looking at the messes and strains of a child's tantrums and saying 'NO WAY' or you're looking at the beauty of kids when they're cute and thinking 'Awww, I want one'. Kids will be a paradox because they will teach you how much you can love someone who is doing the mental equivalent of occasionally jamming a screwdriver in your eye. They will melt your heart, and nothing will seem as precious, not even the little dregs of sanity that you have left.

On Communication

The reality is that marriage forces you to over communicate about lots and lots of stuff, even about whether or not you should purchase more olive oil and what's the budget looking like... two people coming together is a wonderful and exciting thing but it also means conquering your differences and being willing to communicate and talk about expectations and hopes etc., whereas a single person may not need to do all this extra communicating unless they like talking to themselves. This way they can spend more time with friends or mentors who can speak into their lives and then they can simply make their own decisions without needing to consult their significant other.

On relating as a married couple

Dating is nothing. It only in the most barest of senses gets you even slightly ready for marriage, because it's a chance to size up whether or not you're compatible with someone but it's deceptive because any sizing up is done under the gossamer veil of emotional hazes and blinders. That doesn't mean it's a terrible thing, but it's not really worth talking about in terms of a life relationship with someone because the life part is a much larger personal scale.

Sometimes there are days, no months, no years of feeling you have made a big mistake marrying this person. Society comes on hard with its message of “me” and “whatever makes you happy” or how about “life is too short to be unhappy”. How that translates into a marriage that might be struggling is often divorce. But what do you do if you are a Christian and divorce is not an option? You spend many heart wrenching moments trying your best to get through it. Sometimes the struggle works itself out into a beautiful marriage and sometimes it does not. Don’t be deceived in thinking it is a happily ever after. Think you have problems with your co-worker and it hurts, try having problems with your spouse.

Sharing all those heartfelt moments and intense intimate things with someone is also ammo for the next argument. Sure, it’s great having someone else in this world to talk with, love you, and know your heart, but because we are fleshly people and selfish, our spouses are apt to use the information for their own ammo at some point.

It’s a temptation to put a spouse on God’s throne and allow them to tell you what to do. This is probably even more tempting for wives since they are told that the husband is the head of the home. Though I believe God will honor a wife who lets her husband lead, it can be confusing to know when to not allow your spouse’s opinion/direction for your life be something you follow when deep down inside you believe God is saying something else to you. After talking things through with your spouse and they still feel strongly on their decision what do you do? If your spouse says to lose 30 pounds and you’ve read 15 pounds is perfect for your size, what do you do? If your spouse is adamant that your family should live in a yurt to save money and you think it’s crazy, what do you do? If your spouse wants you to wear clothing that is more appealing to their eyes, but you feel uncomfortable and sense you are going against what God desires, what do you do?

It’s also a temptation to play the Holy Spirit in people’s lives. Living with someone day in and out is a great recipe for seeing all their faults and an even greater temptation to help them see it too. 

When I hear my spouse talking in a group setting about how they are working on A. B. and C. and seeing victory it’s hard to not gape and snort out loud! Being married to a person who is a work in progress (aren’t we all?!) and continue to give grace for their journey is tiring and refining. There is a temptation to shout out to the world all their wrongs and remind them of how far they are from their A. B. & C.

On personal preferences

I like the toilet paper to come off the roll one way and my spouse the other. Who wins? I like things put away, my spouse likes a pile of clothes on the floor instead. Who wins? Or how about scripture...I think a verse says “this” and my spouse thinks it says “that”, whose interpretation do we live by? Though being married is most certainly not about winning and losing, it often feels that way and can be an avenue for holy refinement and fleshly frustration.

So tell me, which points made you go "Hmm... I never thought of it like that!" ?

Stay tuned for more thoughts ...