"This sucks!" or "The drawbacks to being single"

The main point of my last blog entry was that being married is not a superior state to being single, and that we need to stop treating it that way.  Singleness should not be viewed as a waiting period for marriage, but rather needs to be embraced and enjoyed, rather than grudgingly put up with until something “better” (marriage) comes along.

That being said, there are some drawbacks to being single.

“But wait.” You may protest. “Didn’t you just finish saying that singleness is good?”  Yes, I did.  “So aren’t you contradicting yourself?”  No, I am not. Consider the following points:

• Exercise is good, but there is still pain that goes with it sometimes.  We’re told it’s a good pain (I’m not fully convinced…) but pain is pain; it’s uncomfortable. 
• Eating healthy is good, but sometimes you long for that chocolate chunk cookie, even though you know that you can’t eat just one.  Or four …
• Marriage is good. But every married couple has some sort of painful story that they’ve experienced as the result of simply being married. Unmet expectations. Loneliness. Infertility. Death.

So it makes sense that there is pain in singleness.

Yes, I am focusing on the negatives in this blog entry.  I believe it’s important for three reasons:

1)    I hope that, by talking about the negative aspects, at least one person will say, “Hey wait a sec. I feel that way, too!” and realize that what they thought was “wrong” is actually okay. 
2)    I hope to enlighten those who are less single of the struggles singles face, so that they can be more understanding of the pain that singleness can cause us, and, in turn, avoid being unintentional contributors to that pain.
3)    I hope to move from “singleness sucks because of X, Y and Z” to “Alright, X, Y and Z are my current reality, so how am I going to deal with it?”  As you read through this post, be thinking about what has worked for you in terms of dealing with the tough parts of your singleness, because I’m going to ask you to share.  Consider yourself warned …

And by the way, to keep things balanced, I will blog about the advantages of being single in a future post, so stay tuned!

Alright, without further ado, here’s my list of the disadvantages of singleness…

First, I have to do everything myself.  I can’t share tasks (for example, I cook, he cleans. Better make that he cooks, I clean; that’s more realistic…).  I can’t ask him to take out the smelly trash in -17 degree Celsius weather.  I have to navigate the anti-feminine world of buying and fixing cars, of financial planning, and dealing with the law.  I can’t say “I don’t know how to do that; my husband takes care of it for me.”  I am on my own.  Many tears of frustration have been shed as I dealt with car salesmen, auto mechanics, IT guys, financial planning and home repairs.  I’ve had to “do my best”, all the while knowing that, in many cases I’ve probably been cheated by some sneaky person because a) I’m a woman and b) I didn’t know any better. 

Second, being single can be very lonely. I have to find ways of letting people into my life and combating that loneliness.  I have to make sure I have people to live life with, people who will speak to my struggles, hold me accountable, celebrate the victories, and share my joys.  

Third, as a single woman, I’m not having sex.  There are some of you that just gasped, amazed at my (supposed) impropriety.  Others of you are giggling nervously, saying, “Did she really just type the three-letter s-word? Did she really just admit that she’s a … she’s a … virgin??”  Yes. And yes.  Oh, and yes, I am fully capable of performing the act, and there is nothing in society that stops me from “doing it.”  In fact, I would say that sex permeates every aspect of our lives and society keeps stuffing it in our faces, whether we want it or not (and, to be honest, we usually do want it).  What stops me from having sex is a belief that God calls us to do so outside of marriage.  Of course, there’s also a fear of the negative consequences that could result from that act, and a desire to preserve that act for whomever I end up marrying. If the time ever comes, of course. There is no other act that brings two people closer together, and I only want to be that close to the man I marry.

Thus, as a single woman, I’m missing out on the pleasures that intercourse bring, which I am told are … pretty good.  I’m sure that’s an understatement, but I do have some propriety left in me, so we’ll leave it at that. 

And if I’m not having sex, I’m not having kids. Which is probably a good thing; watching my sister with her son is awesome and remarkable, but I don’t want to deal with the exploding diapers, the vomiting, the crying, the feedings, and the sleep deprivation without reinforcements.  But I would love to experience new life growing inside of me. I would love to be able to raise a child.  And the older I get, the more that dream fades, replaced by a bit of desperation and fear.

The last drawback to being single is the rejection I sometimes feel. Out of all the drawbacks listed in this post, I believe this one is the most significant, the hardest to deal with.

I’m talking about the rejection I feel when someone breaks up with me. Or friend-zones me.  Or tells me he’s dating someone else/engaged/married.

Please don’t misunderstand me. If a boy breaks up with me or friend-zones me, he’s done nothing wrong. In fact, I am indebted to him for clarifying our relationship rather than leaving me guessing.  The same thing applies to boys who make it clear that they are dating/engaged/married.

But if my heart was set on a certain course of action that might have taken me even one step closer to a trip down the aisle, it’s inevitable; I am going to feel at least some rejection.

And the worst part is that it happens over and over and over again.

The danger here is believing that this constant rejection says something about a person’s worth.  It is very easy to make that leap in our heads.
 
“That person didn’t think enough of me to want to date me.”
“No one has chosen me.”
“No one thinks enough of me to marry me.”
And the almost inevitable conclusion is this:
“There must be something wrong with me.”

It is a battle to keep one’s wits about them in a world where people choose who to be with … and sometimes the choosing isn’t mutual. At times like that, I really do wish we did arranged marriages. While maybe not as thrilling, it definitely avoids much heartache.

It’s a fight when you see – as I have – many of the guys I’ve dated and been interested in find their life partner not too long after he and I call it quits. It is very easy to ask a very dangerous question: “What does she have that I don’t?”  It’s dangerous because it implies lacking something or falling short of an ideal. 

It is a battle to not scream at someone who asks, “Are you seeing anyone? Why aren’t you married?” because, not only does it imply that something is missing in or wrong with your life, but it is also a stark reminder of all the pain and rejection you’ve felt.

It is a struggle to hang on to the thought that I am worth something.  It’s a fight to believe that I am valuable and deeply loved, maybe not by a guy, but by God. And my family. And my friends.  I matter to them.

And, most importantly, it’s a war to not give in and settle for something other than God’s plan.  Let’s face it; sometimes these drawbacks can be extremely overwhelming; at those times, it is very tempting to jump into a relationship in a desperate attempt to quell the loneliness and quash the feelings of rejection.  These are not good motivations for getting into a relationship for one reason: they are selfish in nature, which flies in the face of what a good, God-honouring relationship is all about.

But that’s a topic for a future post…
 
What keeps me going these days is the knowledge that the fight to be satisfied in my singleness and to feel good about myself is worth something. Though the battles seem unending, and sometimes they seem to be more painful than they are worth, I know that working through them brings me closer to being comfortable with who I am, and where I’m at.

And now, as I warned you earlier, it’s your turn.  Tell me what thoughts or verses or sayings have comforted you, made you feel worthy in the face of rejection.  What has helped you counter the downsides of singleness?