Singleness: Here we go again...

Over the past year or so, I've written two posts on singleness (you can read them here and here).  I've made a few discoveries since then:

1) There are more single people out there than I first thought. Dennis Franck, in his book Reaching Single Adults: An Essential Guide for Ministry, says that a whopping 44% of all adults in the U.S. are single. Yes, this means that married couples are the majority, but those of us flying solo aren't too far behind.

And yet ...

2) Almost all individuals in positions of authority or power are married. Most heads of countries/provinces/states/cities/colonies/islands/castles/whatever are married. To bring it a bit closer to home for us Christians, most pastors in Protestant churches are married.  This means, then, that the world is more or less governed by married people.  These are the people leading and teaching us, the married people and the single individuals.

Yet most of these married leaders and teachers have no idea what it's really like to be single, and thus cannot speak to our reality. One could argue that everyone experiences a time of singleness, but I respond by saying that being single in your teens and early twenties is vastly different than being single in your late twenties and onwards.  I've stood back and watched as friends have tied the knot and had kids.  I've celebrated with them.  And all the while, I've wondered when my turn would come.  My biological clock is ticking.   Asking married people to address singleness is like asking me - an unmarried, childless woman - to give marital or child-rearing advice.  I am not an authority on these topics; whatever I know is second-hand information.  

As a result, because they can't speak to our reality, these authority figures don't.  Or when they do, it's brief and vague.  When was the last time, for example, that you heard an entire sermon series on singleness?  I've heard a sermon addressed to singles within a series on marriage (which, I must say, was very good), but never a series on singleness all on its own.  This means that ...

3) The world really and truly elevates marriage above singleness. The way things are set up right now, it's as if singleness is a waiting period for marriage, that marriage is something to strive for, to desire.  The most popular music out there has one topic: love between two people.  Hands down, the movies that become the most popular have some sort of love story incorporated, no matter how brief. And consider this: type in the word "Marriage" on amazon.com, you get 191,134 hits. Type in the word "Singleness" and you get ... 429. 

And that mentality has infected the church, despite the fact that ...

4) There are plenty of teachings in Scripture about singleness and the values of it. Along similar lines, I was skimming through the comments in this really good article on singleness in the church (all of you should read it!), and one reader pointed out the two most influential people in the Christian faith (Jesus and Paul) were both single.

And yet, I was asked at the weddings of both my siblings when it would be my turn. By Christians.

And yet, someone else - another Christian - recently told me, "You look really good.  Are you seeing anyone?" She should have really stopped at the end of that first sentence.  While I appreciate the compliment, it suggested that a) the only reason I would look good would be because I am with someone and/or b) that there is some crazy correlation between looking good and seeing someone, ie., I'll only find someone if I look good.  This is a load of horse manure, seeing that, over the last few years I have felt better about myself, more comfortable in my own skin, and, in my humble opinion, looked better than I ever have in my life, and yet have been single throughout that time.

5) There are some decidedly un-biblical attitudes towards finding a spouse.
"Have enough faith, and you'll find a spouse." Great.  Now not only am I single, but I'm having a faith crisis, too? 
"When you are fully satisfied in God, you will find someone." Never mind the fact that if I'm fully satisfied in Christ, I don't need anyone else, but doesn't this encourage incorrect motivation?
 "When you are content single, you will find someone." Something seems a little backwards about this.  Striving to be content in your current state in order to change that state isn't true contentment.

The long and the short of it is this: there are a ton of singles out there.  And I'll bet that very few of them are truly content in their current situation (I'm including myself in that category) and do not really know how to make the most of their singleness.  Further, they are believing a lot of lies about themselves and their current stage in life, and as a result are frustrated. Or miserable.

And I'm one of them.  So I've decided to start looking into this life stage, its joys, its struggles, its longings.  I've been so angry and frustrated, seriously believing that God was holding out on me, that I refused to figure out how to deal with it all, stubbornly choosing instead to hang on to my right to feel wronged. I know in my head that I've been believing lies, that God is good and that He is choosing to bless me in different but equally significant ways. But whenever those silly emotions of mine get involved, it is very easy to believe otherwise. I am determined to, as Pastor Nancy Scott used to say, "Drive straight through the pain".

And I want to blog about it all.  Why? Because I want other singles who are also struggling to see that they are not alone. I want those a few steps ahead of me in the journey towards embracing singlehood to contribute to what I have to say and learn from them.  I want to talk about how married people can interact with us in affirming ways.

In short, I want to be a voice for a large group of people for whom there aren't very many voices. I want to start a dialogue.  I want to learn, and I want others to learn with me.

But even as I research and think about this, I realize that there is a teeny, tiny part of me that hopes I can get to the point where I am happy and fulfilled, where I have earned the "Girl Guide Merit Badge" for singleness and can "graduate" to ... you guessed it, marriage.

So I need this just as much as anyone.  Because we've all got one life to live. That's all. And I don't know about you, but I do not want to spend it bitter, frustrated and stubbornly holding on to my right to be married.

Because that's not a life worth living.  And it may never happen.

So look for more ideas and thoughts on singleness here as I think, process and dialogue with others.