Anxiety

Change sucks.  It forces you to get used to something new. It causes much discomfort. It leaves you uncomfortable, unsure, insecure.

And in my case, this is a perfect recipe for anxiety.

Sleepless nights.  Inner tension. The inability to empathize.  Shortness of temper. Insecurity. A sense that there's this wall of fear surrounding me and somehow I just keep focusing on it and am unable to get beyond it.

I've been back from China 6 weeks now, which means I'm still adjusting to life here, though it has gotten much easier.  Still, there's a sense of loss. There's a sense of impatience as I try to carve out a niche for myself here.  There's a sense of utter exhaustion and lethargic-ness.

But that's not all. In those six weeks, I've also managed to reach the three big goals I had for myself, each of which will bring many more changes to get used to:

1) a new, non-teaching job. New co-workers, new hours, new industry, new holidays ...
2) a new apartment in an unfamiliar area. I'll need to find a new place to run, a place to do my laundry, places to shop, and the list goes on.
3) a new (to me) car (though that one's still in the works). Gone will be the days of me sleeping on the commute to work, of not having to pay for parking or gas, and of not seeing huge chunks of my paycheque go towards expenses (*gulp*).

There's been a lot of uncertainty.  There's been a lot of fear.  There have been many moments where someone would say, "What are you going to do about ...?" to which I answered, "I have no idea because I hadn't thought about it." And it would give me one more thing to worry about. Or shove completely out of my brain (I've gotten very good at avoiding many things).

And there's also been this sense that things could just blow up at any moment for the stupidest reasons. Yes, there have been many good things that have happened since I've been home, and it's been amazing to see how quickly and well things have come together.  This is especially true in the current job market, and when I know a handful of people who have waited months and months for work.

But for some reason, I insist on thinking that my happiness is as fragile as a grenade being held by someone who enjoys fiddling with the pin. One of these days, that person might just pull it out, and BOOM!

It all boils down to trust, I think.  And I've realized this week that there really is only one person I really trust.  And that would be Yours Truly (which is a fancy way of saying ... me).  I know what I can do. I know I am reliable (though when I'm feeling lethargic ... it may take a little while longer ...).

So when I need to trust someone else to come through for me, I worry. I internally freak out. I doubt.

AND IT SUCKS. It's draining and exhausting.

I've been challenged this week in a number of ways in this area.  I've been challenged to believe that God works for our good, and that He has our best interests in mind. I admit, it's very difficult to do, especially at a time when life is a whirlwind, unstable and  hingeing on a few key things that just need to stay in place.  Or at least that's the perception I have...

I was reminded this morning that God never promised us a good life.  In fact, Jesus said the following:  "... In this world you will have trouble..."  (John 16:33) Jesus doesn't say "You won't have trouble" or even "You might have trouble."  He promises that we will have trouble.  Scripture - and our own lives - testify to this fact.

But that's not the end of that verse ... 

 "...But take heart! I have overcome the world."  (John 16:33). Ultimately, He is in control. He's the Big Boss. 

He is the one holding your happiness grenade.

Admittedly, it is still possible that the grenade will explode. But it will not be the result of someone simply fiddling with the pin and saying, "I wonder what will happen if I pull it..." 

When - not if - it does blow, it's going to be more of a controlled blast.  Why do I say this?  Check out the following two verses:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29: 11)

Though life will not always be easy, and may not always go the way we planned, God always works for our good and has some wonderful plans for us in mind.  

Thankfully, as of yesterday, I am feeling much calmer. But here's a small confession: it's because I was able to check off the three big items on my checklist, and not really because I was able to all of a sudden start trusting.  I'm also still seeing plenty of places where things could blow up in my face and I'll be stuck at my mom's for a while yet - and yes, I am aware that there are worse places I could be.

The current resolution to my anxiety bugs me a little.  Why did/do I fear? Why did/do I doubt? Why did/do I feel so stressed out an anxious when I have a God who obviously cares for me?

I don't fully get it myself. Maybe it's because I have a pessimistic nature?  Maybe because I've been hurt in the past?  Maybe because there are STILL some things I struggle with that haven't been taken away?  Maybe because I know how much God's way - though better - can hurt and I just don't want to go back there?

Maybe it's all of the above.

Thank God for GRACE.  In this morning's sermon, my brother pointed out that the command Jesus repeated the most was "fear not." 

But never once did He get mad at someone and rebuke them for being afraid.  Fear does not make me a bad Christian. Fear does not mean I sinned. Fear is normal for humans.

But despite this, any of you who have dealt with fear/anxiety or whatever for any length of time know how crippling it can be.  It's not a good place to live. Next time I face some sort of hardship - and there will be a next time - I will try again to change my focus and trust that, though things may fall apart, everything will be alright, one way or another.