Finals are done and graded. They've been that way for almost a week now. Last day of school and graduation were a week ago. I've said many good-byes and I've watched as my apartment has gotten emptier and emptier. And as my suitcases have gotten heavier and heavier.
I fly out of here in 2 days. 2 days, which may or may not seem to fly by as quickly as the last two years have flown.
And over the past week, if not longer, I just haven't wanted to think. So I've been drowning myself in television shows. (It's amazing how much you can download when there is no limit).
I haven't wanted to think about the separation between me and some wonderfully amazing and super-cool friends I've made here.
I haven't wanted to think about having to start over again in a place that I know but don't. I blinked and two years went by, but much happened in those two years. Life here began, but life back there went on. Stores closed. Others opened. My brother started a church. My sister began her married life and will welcome a new life into this world in a few months. People moved away, got married, got older, had kids, lost loved ones ... and just changed.
And so have I. Which means that there will be this little awkward dance as I try to find my place again, my ... usefulness. And remind friends and family that I am there and desire to be a part of their lives again. And try not to fall back into old habits and ways of being. And they will be awkwardly dancing too as they try to remember - and sometimes forget - that I am no longer on the other side of the world, but right there with them. They know the me from two years ago. And I'm not that me anymore. Or at least I like to think so. And they are not the they from two years ago. And yet ... the only frame of reference any of us have is what we knew about each other in 2011.
All relationships I had/have will change in one way or another.
I haven't wanted to think about sitting in a pressurized metal tube and zipping backwards through time, to the point where my Saturday will be 36 hours long instead of the usual 24. While making the day longer seems like a great idea, it means I will be, to borrow a term from the English, "Knackered" for the next two weeks. Slammed by a never-ending wave of exhaustion, intermingled with hunger in the wee hours.
Trust me, it's a terrible trade off.
I haven't wanted to think about the hours upon hours of sitting in uber-uncomfortable chairs, trying to avoid losing circulation in random parts of my body - some of which have surprised me - and losing my lunch.
Actually, depending on what time it is, I could be losing my breakfast or dinner.
I haven't wanted to think about early morning leavings, the possibility of my ride to the airport completely forgetting about me, flight delays and missing flights. I haven't wanted to think about the inevitable meetings with airline staff as I get my luggage weighed. And I haven't wanted to think about having to place my (obviously overweight) carry-on into and then remove it from the overhead compartments. Twice. I think I almost decapitated someone once when I tried to take something down gently; gravity did its thing and I have no measurable upper body strength, so ... you picture the rest.
I haven't wanted to think about the lack of job and (somewhat) lack of direction. Because that's scary, nerve-wracking and, well, insanely hard to handle right now, especially in light of the other stuff I don't want to think about. I've had a few ideas for jobs that would be a good fit, but they've all blown up spectacularly in my face over the past little while, leaving me with ideas for continuing education courses ... but as of right now, no way of paying for them.
I haven't wanted to think at all. But it's all coming at me. And much faster than I expected.
And yet, not fast enough.
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