Rest

My challenge right now is to figure out how to live in the "right now."

Since I left my position in China, I've been trying to figure out what's next.  I've looked at and applied for many different things.  And I've seen a number of them blow up spectacularly in my face.

And with each rejection - or apparent rejection, because, let's face it, it's still early in the process - a little voice in the back of my head starts sounding a little more desperate, a little more frantic.

And it's taking away from the goodness that is the "now."

I have no responsibilities.  The possibilities are endless.  I have time to read, to exercise, to journal, and to reflect on the past two years.

And yet all I want to do is figure out what comes next. It's as if this stage doesn't matter.

But it does.  I'll probably never have an extended time off like this again. I mean, I'm the one who no longer wants to be a teacher, so poof, there go my summers.  And every other fun extended break they get. 

I keep hearing the word "Rest."  

I'm not very good at that. I want to do.  I want to connect. I want to find work.

And I want to do it all now. Right now. And this "rest" thing just doesn't fit with my agenda.

But in the end, it's not my agenda, is it?

Nor do I know how to rest.  

But I can always learn.

I think I'm just scared that my rest will quickly turn into laziness and that I'll stagnate.  

But being aware of something is usually the first step in dealing with or avoiding it, right?