wandering aimlessly.

I landed in China 3 days ago.

And since that time, I've felt .... good about being here.

I'm back in a place where I've got my own space. Where I have a routine.  Where I have a role.  Where I have all of my stuff.

For the past five weeks, I've lived in someone else's house. With someone who has a routine of her own. A routine without me. And that's ... hard to adjust to.

When I go back there, it's hard to remind people that I'm around. It's difficult to stand by and watch other people scurry around doing all kinds of things because they're not used to accounting for or relying on me.  

And it's even harder to deal with this because, in the past, I was definitely a part of that life.  

And now I'm not.

What's weird is that, in some ways, I've felt as though I've been doing the same for the past year. Because I was somewhat unknown.  Because people didn't always know to account for me.  

Nobody's fault, really. There were routines established, ways of doing things, and all responsibilities were accounted for.

And then I came in. And then I left in February. And came back. And then I flew out in July. And came back. And in the midst of it all, I was dealing with a lot.  

So there was little consistency in my presence anywhere.  Ironically, wherever I was, oftentimes I was thinking about where I wasn't. It's hard for others to account for/include me when that happens, and it's even harder for me to feel like I belong anywhere. 

And yet I know - and felt - that I was loved through it all. 

So yes, it feels good to be back in China.  I feel so much better about this school year than last.  I am much more organized, I have a ton of resources I didn't have last year, and I've taught some of my courses before (though many will undergo some serious changes).  I have enough Chinese that I can usually get somewhere, do something, or buy something without too much trouble.

And when I'm really stuck, there always seems to be someone on hand who can help me out.  How cool is that?

What's strange is that it's probably the first time I'm really here rather than back home.  I don't have a sick father anymore that has me calling family frequently or always fretting in the back of my mind as life here marches on.  I don't foresee any reason right now that I'll have to drop everything and run away for a while. So I have time - and energy - to offer to others.

And I intend on doing just that. Once I get over jetlag, that is...