New Year?

Over the Christmas holidays, I had time to read/think/reflect/journal.  And in that time, I breezed through a great book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  It covers so many topics within it that I can't really explain its essence without re-writing in my own words what he's already put so well in his.

So read it. That is all.

But I came away from that book with a determination to do life a little different this year. 

So I made what you might call some resolutions. That word has a bad rep, however, so I'll just call them "goals"

I wanted to get back into daily devotional times - something I got out of the habit of doing after Dad died - and I decided to be bold and say I was going to read through The Book in an entire year.  And ... of course I picked the one plan that allows no catch-up (or "grace") days for when I miss.

I think I can manage to give myself that grace, though.  We'll see ...

7 days in, and I'm more or less on track. So far, so good. And it has been good because I've been really struck by a few things I've read (not the point of this post, so that's all I will say about that for now).

I also wanted to run a bit more regularly.  I've been so sporadic and all over the place, and I know it's affected my mood. Especially at really stressful times. If I'm too busy to run, or I allow myself to use the excuse that it's too cold, I'm really only doing myself a disservice because I have no other outlet for my (negative) energy.  So I've set myself the (modest) goal of 15 k a week.  Less than what I've done in the past, but much more manageable.

I also wanted to use my time more wisely.  With all the new forms of technology now available (android phones, internet, kindle books, bootleg DVDs (shhhhh!), it's so easy to shut out the world and emotionally get carried away by two dimensional characters that only exist in my mind and that of their creators.  But it's not healthy and a bad use of time.

 

And I wanted to improve my teaching.  For a number of reasons, I've often felt only a lesson or two ahead of the students, or that I haven't been as prepared as before. Or awake enough (not entirely my fault, honest!). I've spent the last 2 years (I'm counting this one as my second year) designing new programs, and I've felt like I've been putting courses together piecemeal and holding my breath in hopes that it'll all work out in the end. Thankfully, it usually does.  

But this is not one of my strengths.  And it doesn't fascinate me, ring my bell, turn my crank, invigorate me, whatever you want to call it. And I feel so much more confident when I have a better plan and I'm not feeling like I'm making it up as I go along, unsure of what happens next.  But ... the trouble with teaching a course that has never been taught before, or teaching a course that needs some serious re-vamping is that you are kind of learning as you go, trying things out and seeing what works and what doesn't.  So really, there isn't much of a way out.

Okay, so quick re-cap:  spend more time in The Word, run more regularly, use my time more wisely, and do better in the classroom.

So of course, so far this week, I: 

• walked through the door of my classroom at 6 AM Monday morning after about 2 hours of sleep. There was no caffeine involved, no videos, no other distractions. In fact, I was using those distractions to pass the time and/or make me sleepy. I just couldn't get to sleep.
• discovered my hard drive was busted at the beginning of a lesson, which meant that I started having to improvise on the spot and totally botched two lessons as a result.  My dad once told a car salesman that he wanted to buy the lowest-end model with none of the frills simply because it meant that nothing could break down. After today, I realize he may have been on to something. Technology may make things easier, but when it breaks down, it's tough to come back. I just wanted to turn into an ostrich and find a pile of sand somewhere.
• found myself getting upset about things I had no control over.  The only saving grace was that I was able to contain it more so than usual. I'm not perfect, and it didn't always go well, but I managed to stuff down my usual desire to blurt out my frustration.
• tried to escape it all by watching a show. That I've already seen. More than once.  Not as much as before, but ... still there.

Aiya! It's only Tuesday.

You'll notice, too, that I don't have control over all of those things. Some, but not all.

However, here are a few small victories and stories that I am clinging to in order to encourage myself to keep on ....

• 10 k in sub-zero temperatures (2 runs).  It's cold, yes, but it feels good in the end.
• a less than usual panicky feeling about the potentially lost data on my hard drive.  I'm running a scan as we speak and am hoping to recover my information tomorrow (big hard drive, slow scanner...)
• a student who made me laugh when he told me that "for a nerd, Einstein broke a lot of womens' hearts." 
• good conversations with a couple students about where they're at and how they can improve.
• impactful times in The Word.

So. Rough start to second semester in some ways, and we're two days in.  But there are glimpses of goodness.

So. I'm not giving up.