Crazy Talk part 3: Reality check

I woke up one day about a few weeks ago with a sense of "EEEK! WHAT AM I DOING?!"

It was about next year. And the things that were getting to me were stupid. And little. 

Okay, some were not so little.

Since that time, I've really struggled with the idea of shenmeshihou (um... that means where) I want to work. I've asked myself if it's counter-intuitive for me to start a new job when one reason I'm tired is because I've had to start over so many times over the last few years.

The answer to that one isn't as obvious as it seems, by the way.

I've asked myself if I'm trying to accomplish too much. Do I have too many goals? Am I being unrealistic? I may not have complete answers yet, but I've realized that the tailor-made scheme in my head is really just that: a scheme. I've realized that I'm not going to be able to get exactly what I want; it's just not possible.   So ... I need to (*gasp*) settle and put up with less than ideal (to me) circumstances? Find a slightly different dream? Or change course altogether? 

Who knows? Opportunities that seem rock-solid and sure-fire done deals now may turn into sand and slip through my fingers. 

Come June, I may be back in Canada for good. Or maybe I'll still be here. Or off in a warmer climate.

That last one might actually be nice for a change ...

It really is a leap of faith, heading into a new, unknown place.  It's scary, stressful, and life-changing in many, many ways. 

And it's tough being here yet again after so many changes over the last few years.

But it's also really, really good to be back here. I've done this before. And I've turned out alright.  More than alright.  I've turned out great. Why? Because I've let go of what I want, and tuned into what He wants for me. 

And honestly, no regrets.  

Except I hate being so tired.

So. One step at a time.  One foot in front of the other.

Or ... just a big jump off the cliff and hope I land in an upright position. With no broken bones. Or whiplash.

Scary stuff.  But I'm not going to let that stop me.  No sir.

Or ... no ma'am.